My Life

Its hard to figure out where to start when you are talking about yourself. Its so easy to talk about the kids and the husband, but not so easy to talk about me.
I was born in Sayre, PA and lived in a very very small town growing up. I had a pretty sheltered life. Not much going on except a few friends, family and church. We made the best out of our little town. Tons of riding bikes and exploring new things. And always with a group of friends. I hated school. I never really fit in. I was very shy and a lot of people thought I was just plain mean. But I wasn't, I was just guarded. And I had a ton of reason to be that way.
I was about eleven years old or so when my father left us and moved to Texas with another women. My mother had never worked so she got a job as a waitress working nights and my older brother "took care of us." That's when he began to molest me. I was eleven. I didnt understand any of it. And I blamed myself. I think that is the case with most victims. I couldnt understand why someone who was supposed to love me would do these things, and at first I didnt even know it was wrong. But I did know I hated every second of it. I never told anyone, not my mother or my father when he finally came back home. It was something I was ashamed of so I hid it from everyone. I used to find ways to be anywhere but home. My safe haven was our church. It was at times the only place I felt safe. My little brother and a friend of ours sang at church in a group called the Sonlighters. I Loved that, I loved singing and practicing and feeling safe, even on stage where most people would be scared. But to me, as long as there were a lot of people around, I was safe. As I got older, things happened less often. There were more people around and I was smart enough to convince any girl I could to date my brother so he would leave me alone.  It seemed like a simple enough solution at the time. I cant remember the last time he did it, but I think that its because I blocked as much of it out of my mind as I could.
I have to say around age 16 I became very permiscuous. I didnt know how to seperate love and sex. I thought in order to make boys love you, you had to have sex with them. So I did it alot. Of course making a bad reputation for myself. But I didnt really care either. I started to go through a self distructive period and I started drinking all the time and smoking pot. Thats when I met Chris and thats what we did all the time, until I got pregnant. Nine months later, here comes Emma Grace, 7lbs 11oz, with bright red hair and covered in merconium. I thought my life would change at that point. I thought we would settle down and grow up. That never happened. Chris, a drunk and druggie still today. Needless to say, I married the idiot and we bought a house. I dont know what I was thinking. I guess more then anything I was certain that I couldnt do any better and I really didnt think I deserved anything better. He was so mentally abusive. I was at such a low point in my life that I cant tell you how many times I thought about taking my own life. It was awful. I hated every single second of everything. I was drinking so much at that point that it was natural to me to have a steady buzz everynight, then finish it off after I put Emma to bed. I was a horrible mother, not that she wasnt loved and taken care of, but I never put her first on my list and I regret that everyday. After the abuse with Chris became physical, I knew I had to leave. I couldnt imagine Emma growing up like I did thinking it was ok for someone to hurt you.
Thats when I met Matt. We both worked at Verona's and he was driver and I was the IT Asst Manager. He had eyes for me from the start and honestly, I couldnt figure out why. I had been called an ugly fat **tch for so long that it became truth to me. But Matt loved me, loved me, the real boring, not trying to impress anyone me. I never had to be anyone but myself around him. We moved in together and moved to delhi and I began to become rediculously suspicious of him. Not for any reason at all. He had never given me any reason to doubt him or his love. But I couldnt help but have these feelings about him. He kept saying things to me like, "Im not your father Danielle, I'm not going anywhere." And, "What in the world happened to you to make you doubt me so much." Truth is, no one has ever cared enough about me to even ask me such questions. I realized at that point that this has happened in a lot of relationships I had been in. I get to a point where I am just so certain that I am going to be hurt that I push everyone away. But thank GOD, Matt wouldnt let me do that. Thats when I realized I had to tell him why I felt the way I did. The hard thing about doing that, was not actually telling him, but it was the fact that it made me deal with it. And I had supressed all of those feelings for so long that I didnt and still dont know how to deal with them. Its something I struggle with everyday. Even with the zoloft.LOL!!
Needless to say, Matt and I are now happily married with a baby girl of our own. She is the best thing I have ever done. Mary Kathryn, 7lbs 13 oz all natural mid-wife birth. And it was the most amazing thing I have ever done.I have never in my life felt such joy and such a since of accomplishment. I was amazed at my strength and control during the delievery. And with Matt there by my side, I have never felt closer to him. It was perfect, and so was she.
I was never the best mother to Emma, because of my self distructive era and I regret every second I missed with her. I cant make up the past, but I can fix the future. She has grown into a beautiful strong 8 year old girl with an attitude to boot. I pray she knows how much I love her.
And thats another thing I do now. I pray constantly to God to help me through every step of my day. I realized after Matt and I got together that there was something missing and I turned to God. And thats when I realized, he had always been there, whether I was willing to talk to him or not. It was then that I remembered my safe place, my church where I grew up singing. It wasnt just the place where I felt safe. It was the company that I kept that made me feel safe. I knew there protected by God, no one could hurt me. I went back to that church a few times and I swear I could feel his arms around me, protecting me like no one can. I know I have been through a lot of things in my life, but God never puts you through anything you cant handle. So I guess Im one of the strong ones. I know I am capable of standing on my own two feet now and that no matter what happens, I'll get through it. And I thank God everyday that I have My Mattie and my girls with me, there support is endless. Just like GOD's LOVE!!!

I hope you all enjoy reading about my life!I hope I can inspire someone with my story!!